With or Without You
by hpfreak2008
Summary: Lilly knew how it had started, but she couldn't accept how it was going to end. Liley
1. Content

Lilly knew when it had started: their friendship

Lilly knew when it had started: their friendship. A cute Tennessee accent, big blue, wondrous eyes and Lilly felt wanted by someone other than her parents for the first time in her life. 'Best friends' was a term overused in Lilly's opinion, and for that reason she always thought of herself and Miley as more than just best friends. Their friendship was something out of the movies; sharing secrets, sharing clothes, sharing food, sharing love, sharing heat, sharing beds…

Lilly knew when it started to develop: their friendship into something more. Secret glances across classrooms, lingering touches during sleepovers, daydreams during the day, fantasies during the night…

Lilly knew the feeling: love. And it wasn't weird, or confusing or unnatural. Was she gay? Maybe. She wasn't attracted to any other female, but she wasn't interested in any boy either. Only Miley. Miley wasn't hard to love, she was perhaps the most lovable person Lilly had ever met. Miley loved her back. It was that simple. Friends turned into girlfriends turned into lovers. There wasn't a moment of truth or long declarations of love, just a mutual understanding, they had always understood each other without words, and they knew they belonged to each other. And it wasn't weird, or confusing or unnatural. _See the stone set in your eyes._

Lilly knew it was never to be spoken of: their relationship. That was never a problem; they were experts at keeping secrets. The problem was the jealousy, the boiling anger in the pit of her stomach when Miley let another boy touch her. Like vile bubbling incessantly, building up, up, up, burning everything in it's path; stomach, intestines, liver, lungs, heart… The problem was the lust she had to suppress in the morning when Miley gave her a chaste kiss on the cheek and a warm hug, when Miley linked their arms in the middle of the day, when Miley laid down beside her in the afternoon to tan on the beach, when Miley said goodnight in a low, husky voice… The problem was that Miley was not free to love her. She had a job, and even though Miley's music matured and her audience grew up with her, even though the world was becoming more liberal and gay marriage was legal in California, lesbians were not topping the music charts. _See the thorn twist in your side._

Lilly knew it was enough: the love Miley gave her. Those few moments were cherished; a time when time stopped and Miley was only hers and words were not needed and actions were not actions but worlds and making love was like the end of the world. Feared and welcomed and the beginning of so much more. The culmination of all actions. It was enough for Lilly. _I wait for you._

Lilly knew it was the end: when Miley told her she was getting married. A five year relationship, a five carat diamond ring, three words, the wrong three words, "I'm so sorry." It was that simple. A mutual understanding. _Sleight of hand and twist of fate._

Lilly knew it would hurt: standing next to Miley while she declared her undying love for another. But she wasn't prepared for the anger. The jealously was replaced by rage and hatred. The kind of fury that makes you want to scream and cry and pull out your hair and kill, Lilly wanted to kill him. _On a bed of nails she makes me wait._

Lilly knew it would never end: her love for Miley. She was incapable of moving on; the drugs and alcohol only numbed the pain, and her nighttime meetings with faceless strangers were never enough; she always compared them to Miley. _And I wait without you._

This is my very first fanfic, so any comments or constructive criticism will be greatly appreciated and revered. The words in italics are from the U2 song 'With or Without You,' it is an amazingly beautiful song and I recommend you listen to it.


	2. Crazy

Lilly knew it was only a matter of time: before Miley came back to her

Lilly knew it was only a matter of time: before Miley came back to her. And it wasn't hard to forgive her, to take her back, to make her hers all over again. Really, Miley had always belonged to Lilly, Lilly knew that, it had been established a long time ago, Miley had simply taken a short temporary leave, and she was back. _Through the storm we reach the shore._

Lilly knew what was next: more heartbreak. A divorce, loving words, tender caresses, finally, the moment of truth! Long declarations of love… But she knew Miley, like clockwork, the wash on the repeat cycle, Miley had to go. Back to work, back to secret glances, lingering touches… _You give it all but I want more._

_And I'm waiting for you._

Lilly didn't know anything anymore. Miley came and went. Nights of passion, nights of loneliness, blurred together, another world, please let it be the end of the world! _I can't live with or without you._

Maybe that was how it really started, Lilly wasn't sure. Maybe people do go crazy without love, without _her. _And maybe that was the real reason Miley left, maybe they were both crazy. Maybe…_ And you give yourself away._

But when your heart literally aches for someone, when breathing hurts because their scent is no longer in the air, when you hear your heart beat, so alone, the only thing left to do is die or let go, and in the end they are the same thing, pleading crazy is not crazy. _My hands are tied, my body bruised._

It was simple, a mutual understanding. But it wasn't simple, Lilly didn't understand. The wrong three words, "I love you." When did that stop being enough? When did being a secret become a problem? Lilly didn't know. _She's got me with nothing to win and nothing left to lose._

Miley knew Lilly loved her, and she knew she would always belong to Lilly. But sometimes the current you are swimming against is just too strong and Miley was never a strong swimmer. _And you give yourself away._

Lilly didn't know anything anymore. Making love, twisting sheets, gasping names, is this the end of the world? No, no, just another faceless stranger in the middle of the night. Maybe Miley? Yes, yes! And it isn't weird, or confusing, or unnatural.

_I can't live with or without you._

I hope this wasn't too confusing; I took a lot of risks and did a lot of experimenting, but I actually liked the end result. Of course, what I think doesn't matter, so please leave your thoughts and/ or comments.

Just for a bit of clarification; I wrote this with the intention of everyone being able to interpret it differently. So if you are really confused or would like to know what my interpretation of the song and story is, just send me a review or email and I will be more than happy to answer any and all questions you may have. Thanks for reading.


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